Strong relationships often hinge on countless small moments: the brief smile shared across a room, the gentle “How was your day?” as you walk in the door, or the soft sigh that begs for a listening ear. In the hustle of our daily lives, these seemingly ordinary interactions – known as bids for connection – can either weave us closer together or leave us feeling isolated. In this post, we’ll explore what bids for connection are, why they matter so deeply in communication in relationships, and how you can recognize and respond to them in ways that enrich your bonds and foster a true sense of belonging.
What Is a Bid for Connection – and Why Should You Care?
Imagine you’re curled up on the couch, leafing through your phone, when your partner brushes past you and says, “You around?” That simple question, while mundane on the surface, is an invitation – a bid for connection – to share space, attention, or conversation. In the language of relationships, every time we reach out – whether by asking for help, offering an embrace, or simply making eye contact – we’re sending a bid. And it’s in how we respond to these bids that the magic of intimacy happens.
Drs. John and Julie Gottman, pioneers in marital research, introduced the idea of Gottman bids for connection through decades of observational studies. They found that thriving couples “turn towards” each other’s bids about 86% of the time, whereas couples heading toward separation only manage around 33%. In other words, the Gottman approach shows us that consistent responsiveness to a bid for connection is the secret sauce of strong communication in relationships.
What Is a Bid for Connection?
At its core, what is a bid for connection? It’s any attempt – big or small – that one person makes to engage another. This could be as explicit as asking, “Can we talk?” or as subtle as a lingering look across the room. Recognizing a bid for connection helps you see when someone is reaching out, even if the invitation isn’t spelled out.
The Science Behind What Makes Bids So Powerful
When you truly hear someone – when you look up, meet their gaze, and say, “Tell me more” – your brain releases oxytocin, the hormone often dubbed the “bonding chemical.” This neurochemical reward not only feels good in the moment but also cues your brain to seek more of the same connection in the future. Over weeks, months, and years, these positive responses stack up, creating a sense of safety and resilience that carries you through stress, change, and conflict.
On the flip side, turning away – whether by scrolling through social media, changing the subject, or dismissing the other person’s feelings – sends a subtle message of disinterest or invalidation. Over time, those missed connections can erode trust, breed resentment, and leave both partners feeling adrift. That’s why cultivating an awareness of bids for connection Gottman–style – and making a conscious effort to turn towards them – can transform not only your romantic relationships but also your friendships, family ties, and even professional collaborations.
Spotting the Different Ways We Bid
Not all bids look the same. Some are direct and verbal, while others are more subtle or non-verbal. Here are the main categories you might notice:
- Direct vs. Indirect
- Direct bids: “Can we go for a walk together?” or “I’d love your help with this.”
- Indirect bids: A long sigh after a tough day, hoping for a comforting word rather than literal assistance.
- Direct bids: “Can we go for a walk together?” or “I’d love your help with this.”
- Verbal vs. Non-Verbal
- Verbal: Invitations, questions, expressions of affection (“Can I tell you something?”).
- Non-Verbal: A lingering look, a gentle touch on the arm, or even a quick smile across the room.
- Verbal: Invitations, questions, expressions of affection (“Can I tell you something?”).
Because bids can be both spoken and unspoken, they happen dozens of times every day. A quick check-in text during the workday can feel like a lifeline, while a warm smile as you pass in the hallway can punctuate the ordinary with an extra spark of connection.
Turning Towards vs. Turning Away: What’s at Stake
When your partner makes a bid – whether it’s asking, “Can we grab coffee later?” or simply letting out a long breath in your presence – you have two basic options. You can turn towards, meeting their bid with interest, empathy, or physical presence. Or you can turn away, perhaps unintentionally, by ignoring, deflecting, or downplaying what they’ve offered.
Imagine coming home after a long day and hearing, “I need to vent about my meeting.” If you pause your video game, set aside your work, and say, “Absolutely – tell me what happened,” you’re turning towards that bid, saying, “I see you, and your feelings matter.” That simple choice not only validates their experience in the moment but also strengthens the emotional safety between you.
On the other hand, brushing off the same request with “Not now, I’m busy,” or a half-hearted “Uh-huh” while still staring at the screen can feel like a rejection. Over time, these small rejections chip away at trust and closeness, making it harder for either person to reach out next time.
Bringing Bids for Connection into Everyday Life
Turning towards bids becomes second nature when you build small, sustainable habits. Here are a few practical ideas – laid out as a quick checklist – that you can start today:
- Daily Check-In Prompts
- “What was one highlight of your day?”
- “Is there anything you want to share before we sleep?”
- “What was one highlight of your day?”
- Active Listening Cues
- Reflect back: “It sounds like you felt…”
- Ask open-ended follow-ups: “How did that impact you?”
- Reflect back: “It sounds like you felt…”
- Non-Verbal Gestures
- A brief touch on the arm while you pass in the hallway.
- A genuine smile when your partner walks into the room.
- A brief touch on the arm while you pass in the hallway.
- Mini Rituals
- A 2-minute stretch break together mid-afternoon.
- A quick “Tell me something good” text during work hours.
- A 2-minute stretch break together mid-afternoon.
Each of these steps is designed to be brief yet meaningful. If you’re in the middle of something, it’s okay to say, “I really want to hear this – can we talk in five minutes?” That way, you honor the bid without derailing your other responsibilities.
Strength-Based, Collaborative Connections
Ultimately, bids for connection are the currency of closeness. By paying attention to the small requests – verbal or not – you demonstrate respect, empathy, and genuine interest. Over time, these everyday moments create a rich tapestry of support, understanding, and love.
At Bloom Therapy, we see firsthand how tuning into these everyday bids can transform relationships. Whether through our creative Art Therapy explorations, EMDR and Brainspotting’s deeper relational work, or traditional Talk Therapy’s communication coaching, our small, collaborative practice helps you build stronger habits of connection. If you’re ready to explore how even the smallest bid can spark deeper understanding and intimacy, we’d love to work with you – online across PA, NY, and CT or from our Berwyn office. Reach out today to start your journey toward richer, more fulfilling connections.